“Overall I think it is good and that you are on the right track. You took a different approach to this essay than I did, but I like where you are going with it. If anything just watch for typos and awkward sentences, and add some more concrete evidence and sources to back up some of the assumptions made.”
Most of my sentences, while poorly formatted, gets the point across. Other sentences make the readers think too hard trying to understand it. I need to work on making my sentences more clear. I need to be more consistent with my writing. I don’t want my reader to read my piece and think that two different people are writing it. Also I have to add evidence. I usually add my evidence into the piece after my first draft so I don’t think that will be a problem. I do this because I much rather make an good argument first then pick and choose evidence that supports him argument. Trying to shoehorn evidence in while writing the first draft makes my writing convoluted.